


Penis Inspection Day

by oldmenfucker98 (mentalismmaria)



Category: Borderlands
Genre: Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, M/M, Trans Character, literal dick measuring contests, scathing sex toy criticism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-05 16:18:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4186539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mentalismmaria/pseuds/oldmenfucker98
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nakayama makes an impulse purchase, and Hugo gets all sweaty. what's better than this, guys being dudes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Penis Inspection Day

Vasquez learned quickly during his friendship with Nakayama that a text message saying ‘GET OVER HERE IT’S A MATTER OF LIFE OR DEATH’ could mean a variety of things. Sometimes it was an actual matter of urgency, like a reckless foray into genetics gone wrong; sometimes it was something more exaggerated, like one of Nakayama’s favorite animes getting canceled. Sometimes, it was just _weird_. Like today’s Urgent Matter, bringing Vasquez to Nakayama’s compact Helios apartment immediately after his shift. Hugo had mentally prepared himself for just about anything the scientist could throw at him during the trek down the long halls of the housing section, but he was still at a loss for words when Nakayama held aloft what was unmistakably a dildo right under his taller friend’s nose.

“It came,” Nakayama began, before catching onto his own phrasing, “In the mail. I mean. My package came in the mail. Uh, actually that doesn’t sound much better either…”

“Are you seriously worried about phrasing while holding a dildo?” Vasquez raised a bushy eyebrow in an imitation of Nakayama’s usual half-quizzical, half-smug expression. Nakayama huffed dramatically, narrow chest puffing out before the much larger, more intimidating man.

“Ex _cuse me!_ This isn’t some crude novelty silicone dildo; this is an important piece of fine art and Hyperion engineering! Also this cost me like, two hundred bucks, man. Cut me some slack.”

“Alright, alright,” Hugo sat himself down on Nakayama’s couch, which was… Nakayama-sized, so it was more like a loveseat in comparison to his friend. The entirely decimated packaging the dildo came in was strewn all over the coffee table in front of them. It looked like Nakayama couldn’t find scissors in the heat of the moment, so he opted to tear into the box with his bare hands. Typical of him, really.

Nakayama squeezed in next to his friend, still holding his prize with all the pride and delicacy of a priceless artifact. Vasquez didn’t _ask_ about the nature of the dildo, but he was going to get an earful of it anyway. “This is the Handsome Jack Ultra-Realistic Life Cast MK 2, a more realistic, accurate model than last year’s version. Look at the veins! The wrinkles! Oh my god, they even modeled in the seam on his nutsack….” The professor put it up to his face, squinting at all the fine details it sported, looking for all the world like he was about to passionately make out with it. Vasquez was almost surprised he didn’t. He couldn’t deny it was an impressive-sounding dick, especially coming from an impressive man like Jack. He had half a mind to maybe purchase one of those life-casts himself, but seeing one in person made him realize something….

“Could I… maybe see that for a moment?” Vasquez asked rather meekly, knowing just how possessive his pal could get over Jack merchandise. Nakayama eyed him suspiciously for a moment, but still handed it over. Hugo was almost touched at the amount of trust this must have taken him.

Holding the dick in his hands, Hugo’s suspicions were correct. He held the shaft firmly in his fist, giving it a gentle squeeze and thumbing the glans for good measure, tapping into muscle memory and ingrained familiarity with his own dick. The revelation made his face break into a broad grin. “Holy shit.”

“Oh, I _know_ , right?” Nakayama replied, distractedly, dreamily almost.

“No, no, dude… I think this dick is actually smaller than _my_ dick.” Vasquez chuckled to himself, almost proud. The dildo was already sizable on its own, a good eight or nine inches. A admirable tool that most dick-inclined people would be satisfied with, and of course Jack would opt to have the most optimally sized, photogenic dick around.

Nakayama just short of snatched the phallus away from Hugo’s broad hands. “ _Bullshit_ ,” he hissed, “Are you telling me you’re packing a _nine-incher_ under all that babyfat?”

“Well, honestly? More like… ten. And it’s a little thicker, too.” Vasquez’s pride kept him from feeling _too_ embarrassed when describing his own dick, but the way Nakayama’s eyes widened a little while subconsciously trailing down to his friend’s crotch brought a tinge of heat to his face.

“W-well,” Nakayama tried to compose himself after hearing that information, badly. He pushed his glasses farther up his nose and crossed his legs almost too quickly. Suspiciously, even. “Even if you’re bigger than Jack, it doesn’t make you any better. I got this dick because it’s _Jack’s_ , not because it’s …big or anything.” He held it up to inspect it again, frowning ever so slightly. “Its… actually one of the smallest toys I own, to tell you the truth.”

“I’m gonna try and not dwell on _that_ little bit of information.” Vasquez nervously chuckled, quickly becoming red in the face. He was lying; he _was_ going to dwell on that. He was dwelling on it right now, even. Not that it was hard to imagine Nakayama collecting particularly large dildos, really. The man put all his kinks out on the table, so to speak. Occasionally literally.

“I mean, it’s still Jack! This is as close as I’m gonna get to fucking Jack,” Nakayama keened, trying to stave off disappointment for as long as he could. “Maybe even closer! Or something. I dunno! I kinda wish this came in a large, though.”

“Then it wouldn’t be _accurate_.”

Nakayama whined in response, looking fit to throw the dildo across the room out of ire. He risked a careful glance at Vasquez, his eyes darting back to his friend’s crotch for a split second. “You said you were… bigger, right? Like, exactly how much bigger?”

“Uh.” Vasquez’s stomach did a flip as he was put on the spot. “N-not too much, I guess, I mean its mostly in the girth? Like, in the way I’ve handled it. It just feels smaller in my hand than it does with my own dick. You know what I’m saying, right?”

Nakayama’s face fell flat as he gave Vasquez a frown. “Nnnope. Can’t say I follow.”

Vasquez went even redder. “Oh! Right, uh, uh, the uh,”

“The vagina thing.”

“Yeah, uh, sorry about that, buddy. Look, what I’m saying is, it’s definitely at least a fraction of the size smaller, than my own dick. And I should know. Because I know my own dick, here.”

“I’m sure you do, buddy.” Nakayama snickered, mostly at the special shade of red Hugo was turning. “Why are you so keen on proving your dick is huge? I don’t really care if you’ve got a huge dick, dude, I’ve seen bigger, _believe_ me.”

“W-well I,” Vasquez found himself stammering, and he didn’t usually stammer. Something about how confident Nakayama seemed with lewd topics like this left him flustered. “I guess I’m just kind of _proud_ , you know…? My dick’s bigger than _Handsome Jack’s_ , that’s pretty cool, in my opinion.”

Nakayama seemed to pick up on the sort of advantage he had over the flustered man next to him, leaning in closer with a sly grin. “Well yeah, you _say_ it’s bigger, but unless we see some proof you’re just talking out of your ass, you know that, right?”

Vasquez swallowed hard. It was bad enough he was flustered out of nervousness, but the subject of their conversation seemed to perk up immediately from the mere mention of proof. It was now Vasquez’s turn to cross his legs conspicuously. “I thought you said you didn’t care about my dick.” Hugo tried to turn it around on Nakayama, but it sounded more like a slightly hurt statement as his voice wavered halfway in.

“Well, you’ve got me interested; now I kinda wanna see what all the fuss is about.” Nakayama waggled his eyebrows in an entirely unsexy way, but it still didn’t help Hugo’s arousal. Vasquez wasn’t sure why this was getting him so hot and bothered, but part of him _really_ wanted to take Nakayama up on that.

Hugo struggled to think of a way to word his offer in a less direct, crude way. “You wanna… see for yourself…?” his hand trailed down to his belt buckle cautiously. Nakayama smiled, coyly, and slid off the couch and onto his knees, Jack’s life cast in hand, eagerly watching as Vasquez began to nervously fumble with his pants. Hugo’s erection sprung forth as soon as he could pull down the waistline of his boxers, letting it sway proud and heavy over the edge of the couch cushions. The _look_ Nakayama gave it made Vasquez’s stomach flip again, and his dick twitched and bobbed in turn.

With the dildo in one hand, Nakayama grasped Hugo in the other, palm sweaty and warm as he gripped the shaft, squeezing experimentally. He brought the toy up to Vasquez’s crotch and lined the two penises up, and noted immediately how the real dick edged past the toy’s length by a few mere centimeters. Seeing the difference in person brought a swell of pride to the subject of this inspection. Nakayama seemed to be in full concentration mode, carefully feeling up both shafts, gauging their thickness in his hands. The difference was clear, but he wanted to make sure, more out of an unwillingness to accept it than a dedication to thoroughness.

“It’s a _little_ bigger,” Nakayama admitted, “But not by much. You’re not exactly as big as the _rest_ of my collection either, you know.”

“Is _anybody_ as big as your collection?” Vasquez bit back rather huffily. “I’ve seen them – well, I’ve seen how badly you’ve tried to hide them because they’re _huge_.”

“Well, if you’re going to go for fantasy, why settle for less than what your heart desires?” Nakayama mused. He may have come to his conclusion about the size difference, but he wasn’t about to take his hands off of Hugo’s dick, either. In fact, he started jerking it off slowly, almost surreptitiously. Vasquez wasn’t about to inquire why, lest it make him stop. He had to admit, it had been a long time since a hand that wasn’t his was on his dick. Sure, this was _his friend_ , but what was a little jerking off between friends?

Nakayama seemed to notice the dick pulsing eagerly in his hand, and set to pumping it more vigorously. He seemed to still be studying the two dicks, taking note of their differences, besides the obvious of only one of them being flesh and blood.

“You’re circumcised,” Nakayama noted casually, “Jack had his foreskin modeled.” His finger tapped against the slightly wrinkled ridge that indicated a foreskin pulled back behind the head.

Hugo squinted at it. “That’s not even a real foreskin.” The flesh-colored dildo included ‘realistic’ detailing which featured carefully painted on creases that gave the mere illusion of a foreskin. Nakayama shared his cynical look.

“You’re right, what is even the point if you can’t make it like the real deal? This is just cheap.”

“It doesn’t even feel like a real dick….” Vasquez continued, if only to keep Nakayama jerking him off. He almost shuddered as he felt the professor’s fingers flex around him.

“You’re right,” Nakayama glared at his dildo, giving it a similar squeeze in his hand. “They didn’t even use the good shit in this, what is this, an amateur grade silicone pour? I paid two hundred bucks for this!” In his irritation, he began jerking off Vasquez with more force. Vasquez slumped back on the couch, hips lifting into the sensation.

“I bet it’s not even made from safe materials.” Vasquez breathed, his eyes closed, really reaching for more strikes against the dildo at the point, but it still seemed to do the trick.

“I don’t even _trust_ Hyperion to use safe materials! I bet they don’t even know which ones to _use!_ ” Nakayama was getting really worked up now, and it showed through his actions, roughly pumping up and down Vasquez’s thick cock. Hugo’s dick was dripping all over his friend’s hand, and his legs tensed as he began to buck slowly back against the zealous handjob.

“I bet it’s not… I bet it’s not even the right color, either… _ohhh,_ ” Vasquez bit back his moan a second too late. Nakayama’s eyes snapped back up to stare at his friend half-melted into the couch.

“You _really_ like being better than Jack, don’t you?” He smirked, his hand coming to a standstill at the base of Vasquez’s dick, leaving it twitching and wanting.

“W-well I’m not… I’m not _better_ than Jack, I’m just, _ah,_ ” Hugo cut short another moan, feeling uncomfortably overheated as well as aching for Nakayama’s continued touch.

“You’re just _bigger._ ” Nakayama looked particularly smug, having Vasquez right between his fingers, literally and metaphorically. Vasquez dribbled pre all over his scrawny forearm as he shuddered from the statement. Nakayama firmly pumped the cock, milking it almost, admiring how Vasquez leaked like a faucet from this entire literal dick measuring contest. “You’re really _into that,_ aren’t you?”

“M-maybe a little,” Hugo muffled himself with his hand before he could make any more embarrassing noises, trying and failing to mask it as scratching his beard. Nakayama worked him up into a rhythm again and let Vasquez hump into his hand freely, hips lifting up off the couch and back down again with a protest of the springs.

Nakayama seemed to be enjoying the control he was in almost as much as Vasquez was enjoying the hand on his dick, giving his friend’s shaft a hungry look before leaning in to give the tip an experimental lick. Vasquez bit down on his knuckles, a groan rumbling low in his throat. His eyes were nearly closed, just barely kept open enough to watch Nakayama lap at the underside of his dick, his tongue exploring the flared edge of the glans with the slightest brush of his lips and the bristle of his beard. It took all of Hugo’s willpower to keep from grabbing his bald pate and shoving him down on his cock. That would be _rude,_ of course. Hugo just sat there and watched, thighs tensing under Nakayama’s hands as he slowly took the larger man into his mouth. The lifecast lay on the floor now, forgotten. Vasquez noticed. He may have felt like he was going to blank out from pleasure, but he still noticed. This was probably one of the first times he had ever seen Nakayama ignore Jack to pay attention to _him_.

The amount of dick Nakayama could fit in his mouth wasn’t wholly impressive; he could barely get past the halfway mark on Vasquez’s cock before it hit the back of his throat and he gagged, occasionally coming up for air sputtering and coughing. Vasquez wasn’t forcing him down or anything, but he was just _determined_. It… wasn’t as attractive as porn seemed to make it, unfortunately. Hugo had to step in, a sweaty, trembling hand on his friend’s cheek guiding him off his dick. Nakayama’s lips were flushed and wet, drool dribbling down his beard in a way that wasn’t… _too_ unattractive, Vasquez admitted silently to himself. Their eyes met for a brief moment. Nakayama responded to that with a giggle, wiping himself off but only serving to make his face messier.

“Fake dicks just don’t feel the same in your mouth, even the really good ones.” He admitted, leaning back in to give a long, sloppy lick to the erection before him. Hugo’s toes curled in his shoes, legs trembling even though it was like all feeling was centered on his groin, sensitive and vulnerable in Nakayama’s hands. Vasquez stared glassily at the ceiling as a wet tongue and a bristly mouth travelled down his shaft. Nakayama pulled down Vasquez’s pants a little more, revealing a sizeable nutsack, hairy like pretty much 90% of Hugo. The professor just short of buried his face into the soft, wrinkled flesh, a hand setting back to work on his friend’s dick again. Vasquez hummed in appreciation at the tongue that lapped at his balls. Nakayama sucked on the sensitive, loose skin, and the sensation lingered on the hickies he left. A particularly rough one forced another low moan out of Hugo, legs locking in place, spread wide open past the edge of the couch.

“Mmg’nna cum,” Vasquez mumbled, just barely, body tensing up as he could feel his pleasure climb higher and higher towards its peak with each rough, firm stroke of his cock. Nakayama took his time jerking him off, savoring it. He quickly straightened up to put his mouth on the head of Vasquez’s dick, tongue flicking against the tip, eager to have Hugo shoot a load straight into his mouth. It would be rude if Vasquez didn’t oblige him, really. The larger man’s legs shook from the tremors of his orgasm, hips bucking into the fist that held him tightly. Nakayama made a small sound when his friend’s cum hit the roof of his mouth, almost a moan, and he swallowed it all diligently, continuing to suck until Vasquez’s pants and huffs came out strained and couch creaked under the movement of his hips.

The spent, softening dick left Nakayama’s mouth with a wet pop, a string of saliva and cum carried with it, left to fall across the man’s soiled beard. He looked up at Vasquez with bright, exhilarated eyes, pupils dilated with arousal. He grinned up at the rather sweaty and overheated man above him.

“You uh, want me to turn the air on, buddy?”

Vasquez pulled on the front of his shirt in an attempt to air it out a bit. It felt uncomfortably stuck to his chest. “Please.”

As Nakayama sprang up to tend to the air conditioning, Vasquez noticed something left on the ground in the midst of his afterglow. With no small amount of amusement, he picked up the Handsome Jack Ultra-Realistic Life Cast MK 2, looking it over some more. It was definitely smaller than he was; it wouldn’t stretch Nakayama’s mouth like he did, or take up such a handful in Nakayama’s fingers… Vasquez felt a fresh wave of heat course through him; the air couldn’t come on sooner.

Nakayama returned, rubbing his scruffy chin into a towel, still giving Vasquez a _look_ that Hugo feared would make him want to start a round two from that alone. He noticed the dildo in Hugo’s hand, and scoffed.

“I can’t believe I paid _two hundred bucks_ for that thing when I could’ve gotten _your_ dick for _free_.”

“Well, technically, since _that_ dick led you to sucking _my_ dick, didn’t you technically pay for my dick as well?” Vasquez thought aloud, rubbing his beard pensively. “Also isn’t the fact that its _Jack’s_ the reason you got it in the first place? Isn’t this like, a collector’s item?”

Nakayama snatched the phallus away from him, rolling his eyes dramatically. “ _Obviously_ I already have a copy for collection purposes, still in its box! Duh! Why would I have this out of its packaging for the express purpose of putting it in any of my orifices if I planned to put it in my collection? _Plebian._ ”

Vasquez put his hands up defensively. “Alright, jeeze, sorry.”

Nakayama slumped down on the couch next to him, scowling from buyer’s remorse. Vasquez had never seen him look so _unsatisfied_ with a replica of Jack’s genitalia before. It was… almost unnerving. Almost. The slightest indication that it was because of _his_ dick still excited Hugo though, deep down. He was better than _Jack_ , in some aspect, and even Nakayama, for all of his zealous love for Jack, agreed. All the same, seeing Nakayama so disappointed bothered him, more than it should, probably. He gently nudged his scrawny friend.

“So does the company take returns, or something? This can’t be a total bust.”

“The manufacturer doesn’t take returns for merchandise out of its packaging,” Nakayama lamented. He paused for a moment as he thought over his options, and soon he turned to Hugo with his face lit up from a new idea.

“Do _you_ want it? It uh, hasn’t been in me or anything. Though I did rub it on my crotch a little before you came in. Uh. While clothed, though. …I’d wash it anyways, honestly.”

Hugo didn’t really have time to say ‘no’ before it was already in his hands. Nakayama gently closed Vasquez’s fingers around the dildo like he was entrusting him with a sacred, arcane artifact of legend. “I trust you to give it a good home.”

“…Ttthanks.” Hugo relented. Welp, looks like he owns a dildo now.

Nakayama looked up at him, as deathly serious as he was with pretty much all matters concerning Jack in some way. “Make sure to give it some use, and let it know that it’s loved. Wash it in anti-bacterial soap and water, and _please_ use a condom, it’s easier cleanup.”

“Uh,”

“ _Please_ take care of it,” Nakayama’s lip wibbled, he was getting misty-eyed just looking at the dildo. “It was very expensive! You’re the only man I trust enough to make sure it’s given the love it deserves!”

 With a dramatic sob, Nakayama buried his face in Vasquez’s meaty arm, crying pitifully into his work shirt. Hugo just rubbed the smaller man’s narrow shoulders soothingly. He was used to this kind of reaction, honestly. “Nakayama, it’s a _dildo_. It’ll be fine.”

The professor sniffled loudly, straightening himself, jostling his glasses as he rubbed at his teary eyes. “Okay. Right. But it’s still a _Jack_ dildo, that’s like, on a whole new level here. This isn’t just any dildo, Hugo.”

“I’m still bigger than it, though.” Hugo grinned, mostly to himself. Nakayama groaned _immediately_.

“Yeah, and my _fourteen-inch Chance in medium firmness_ is bigger than you. _Honestly,_ what is it about dicks that makes people so competitive? In the end you’re probably still not big enough for me to care.”

“Oh, but you _did_ care, or you wouldn’t have sucked me off!”

“You had a boner, I was being _courteous!_ ”

“Oh,” Vasquez’s face heated up again, unexpectedly. “So you weren’t… impressed? Or anything?”

Nakayama paused, actually looking at Vasquez, taking time to think without spouting off some flippant remark. He went a little red beneath his glasses.

“It was… okay, compared to that dildo. But that doesn’t mean anything, alright? It doesn’t mean you’re better than _Jack himself_ , just that… _thing_ right there.”

Vasquez dared to look him dead in the eye. He suspected that the both of them were very red in the face at this point. Might as well go all the way.

“So what would you rather have, a life cast of his dick, or a life cast of _my_ dick, if size is what matters to you?”

Nakayama stared him down, his usual smug, shitty smirk coming back to him. “Well if I had to choose between you and Jack, I think the answer would be _obvious._ But if I had to choose between you and that dildo… I think I’d rather take your _real_ dick. Y’know?”

Vasquez tried to act like the breath wasn’t knocked out of him from that. He tried to run a hand through his hair confidently, but his shaking hand just disheveled his pompadour. “Well! That’s… that uh, that can be arranged. I mean. In that scenario. I guess. I mean, if you want—“

Nakayama just cackled at his friend stumbling over his words, patting him patronizingly on the shoulder before getting up. Vasquez… wasn’t sure what that meant, but it didn’t make him any less flustered. The amount of confidence Nakayama seemed to have about casual sex was surprising, but should he _really_ be surprised? The dude was already impulsive and cocky to a fault. Vasquez crossed his legs, aggressively trying to ignore his erection, mostly because he didn’t want to suffer heatstroke while getting laid. He chalked it up to his body hair, a still fairly new side effect from his hair treatments. It gave him a good excuse to leave at least, lest the tension between them kill him before the heat did.

Making his way back down the endless hall of shoebox Hyperion apartments, Vasquez wiped his sweaty, oily-feeling brow. He ended up clonking himself in the head with the dildo. He’d almost forgot, that was his now. He was far too occupied with replaying _that_ scene in his mind to even process that he was just given a two hundred dollar, Hyperion-licensed Jack dildo. Vasquez just shrugged to himself. This wasn’t the weirdest thing Nakayama could have given him, honestly.

… He should probably wash it when he gets home, though.


End file.
